Writers Block — Did my big head get in the way?

Last week, I experienced an excruciating and exhausting adventure. Sitting at my screen Saturday morning, I was met with mist, mountains and trammels. Every step forward was weak and wary. Words that usually were woven without a hitch felt like they were at war. Thoughts were once so easily transformed into text had to be trudged through the trenches of the thesaurus. My progress was slow and painful, and the spaces on the page shouted slurs of self-doubt. Had I now left the land of beginner’s luck? Was I now stuck in the state of tortured artists and captured in the country of creative conundrums?

Before this breakdown, I had considered writer’s block a load of bullshit. This experience made me realise it is not a phantasmal façade or a metaphorical meeting room. It is a literal land and a very real and rugged region. I had stepped on its sinister, sharp stones. I had worn the weight of its wearisome weather. And I had felt the hopelessness of its hidden horizon. While I am well-rehearsed at running away from discomfort, I was overcome with curiosity at such an overt change. I continued the journey, eager to explore why the jaunts that once were full of joy had shifted to a source of struggle.

At the start of the Odyssey, I believed that I was being punished by the occult, cursed through the removal of my comforts. But I still slogged through the next several writing sessions, cramping from constantly clinging to my composure. The night I finally completed a chapter, I collapsed into bed, knowing this was by far not my best work. Regardless, I let the sweat stains soak into my subconscious, and in the morning, I was met with a mental rant. Messages were moving through my mind so swiftly that I could not make my pen sustain the pace. Then, just when I thought the tirade of thoughts had stopped and I was free to focus on the work at hand, they would spew forth again. A two-sheet sermon was tripled in no time, and I was left with a messy manual of reason, reminders and retorts. I do not ask whether these insights came from inside myself or some invisible deity. Separating the two is far too simplistic.

Lest I lose this list, I now lodge it online. May it provide some hope for those currently held hostage in a horrible hiatus. I have left the lines in separate sentences just as they were spread over the sheet but coaxed them into coarse categories to assist comprehension. Many of these messages seem to be chastisements, but please know they came through with comedy and compassion.

I will stop short of saying, “if this message found you it was meant for you”, and “take what resonates and leave the rest.” These are overused sentiments for the bleeding obvious.

I am a child of nature

These messages remind me that the world operates on ordinances of its own and cannot be amended or avoided. They dare me to dance with the dichotomies each day and respect the rhythms rather than reject or rally against them. They help me to recall that all the answers I seek are already available to me in the arms of Mother Nature.

Did you really believe you are beyond the natural laws; superior to the shifting seasons that sustain you?

Freedom is a two-way flow.

There can only be ease when you have known effort, pleasure when you have known pain, and freedom when you have known force. Where one exists, the other does too, either in practice or as a possibility.

You are not above the world but an agent of it.

Your masculine motivation is admirable. But do not mistake progress for purpose and completion for care. Bring the focus back to the feminine and you will find flow.

Look around you, darling, really look. The light you seek already lives here.

I must treasure my tools

The following statements reminded me that my ability to transmit energy and emotion requires that I first have a solid stock of these within myself. In the days leading up to this blockage, I had bordered on burnout. My bucket was empty. Yet I expected it to flood the moment I opened up my manuscript. The value of my work depends on my vitality. By not taking care of myself, I had mistreated my tools. This would be a terrible transgression for any tradie and is just as wicked for a writer.

Feelings cannot flow through fear, fatigue or force.

Why should you receive stimulus from the spirit world when you are too selfish to sit with them?

You cannot write with a pen that has no ink nor punch out a chapter on a laptop with no power.

Care for your work requires care for yourself.

I was letting my ego take the wheel

Many of the messages prompted me to ponder whether my intentions were pure or whether I had preferred praise over personal expression. These statements asked me to bring awareness to whether motivations of attention and acclaim had mangled my authenticity. They challenged me to consider whether I had compromised my craft by trying to be clever.

Your writing was blocked because your big head was in the way.

Ego is a great source of momentum but is not the best navigator.

Too much head, not enough heart.

Do you think you are some god that can just command creation, an expert beyond experimentation?

Were you hoping to be guided to greatness without being willing to do the work?

You are not a master of your medium but a means. You are not a voice but a vein. You are not the be-all and end-all, but part of a becoming.

This barrier is not being done to you but by you. You are closed by your conceit.

Your focus on fame is foiling the flow.

What makes you think that this endeavour is all about you?

Do you believe your exaggerated ego is more important than the endless energy exuding through your environment? Then why do you spend more time with the former and less time with the latter?

I had forgotten my focus

Recent times have seen me taking on far more freelance work, and with so many financial pressures it has become a necessity and a godsend. However, now more of my time is being sucked into corporate processes and politics. I tried to shield my creative side from these things, considering them soul-sucking scourges. But this set of messages confirmed what I had read from Rick Rubin (The Creative Act), being that you cannot compartmentalise your creativity; you must bring your complete self into each situation. By separating myself, I built barriers between custom combinations and unique understandings. Shutting myself off from those things I judged as lesser merely left me confused.

How can you see something others don’t, when you spend your days doing what others do, and defining yourself by their desires?

Half-heartedness is a habit that is hard to undo.

You are angry that your gods and your gifts have forsaken you. But who did the forgetting first?

You have not been abandoned; you are just too self-absorbed to acknowledge inspirations’ alternate faces.

Why would we trust precious perceptions to one so prepared to doubt themselves? It is like throwing a match into the dark.

Have you forgotten how to ask for help? Is your independence the instigator for your inertia?

Gratitude generates growth

Sometimes, the love of writing can feel more like a life sentence. This tends to happen most when I am tired. There is always another chapter to complete, plan to prepare or idea to initiate. Without caution, excitement can turn to ennui, and the passion can start feeling like a punishment. The following messages remind me to appreciate the space I have to practice my art and the time I have to dedicate to my development. They goad me not to take the gifts of time, energy and support for granted and to transform trivial torments into thankfulness.

You have been acting like an entitled child, expecting everything without earning it.

Be less concerned with what you will get from your gifts, and concentrate on what you can give.

Were you trying to manifest material gain instead of genuine humility?

Opening comes from the offering of what you already own, and gain comes from gratitude for what you have already received.

Why should you be invested with inspiration when you have shown little gratitude for its previous generosity?

I truly believe that all the wisdom we need is waiting for us. All we have to do is ask.

I hope this article may help you take actions that will care for yourself, your creations and the communities they serve.